Whilst plodding recently, I’ve found that the internal chatter has got louder and louder the further I go. Some days it makes me stop plodding altogether and other days I can tell it to get back in its box until I’m done, only it doesn’t always listen.
Below is a pretty good transcript of what goes on in my head mile by mile.
Mile 1 – Look at me! I’m out running. Yeah baby, I am run-ning – I rock at this. So I need to shed a bit of timber. Who care’s. I am lapping you sir! yes! you sitting in the traffic jam eating that cake. I am L.A.P.P.I.N.G you! hah
Mile 2 – Damn, there’s a
hill incline coming up, ok this is fine, keep your eyes on the prize, you’ve got this girl. Easy. Gently does it. Balls of the feet, keep pushing, you’re nearly there. Where the hell is this prize. Where is the top of this god damn hill. I need to stop. No, you’re not stopping. I NEED to stop. I. CAN’T. BREATH. Ok that’s it! I’m gonna stop just as soon as I get to that lamp post. Oh thank god! there’s the top – I can do this. Keep on plodding
Mile 3 – Oh wow, Campbell Park is so pretty. Just look at that view! I am so lucky to have this on my doorstep. I’m back on track. Whoop whoop. Let me plod over to the top of that hill, around the funny ornament thing and back again, people will think I’ve just run up that big old hill because I LOOK like I’ve just run up that sodding hill. Next time! oh no. I really need a wee. You’ll be fine. Just don’t sprint. Smaller steps should help. I really do need a wee.
Mile 4 – Ok, over halfway done now, lets start heading home. This way. I’m sure this is the way home. Oops nope, not that way. What about this way? oh thank god, I see the shops. Right! it’s a mile down hill lets see if I pick up the pace. Look at meeee! I’m super speedy down this hill. “Oops sorry Mr Pedestrian didn’t see you there” <waves apologetically>. Yes! all down hill – feeling fine!
Mile 5 – Just another 2 miles left, that’s another 22 mins, or it might be 23 mins either way it won’t be more than 25 mins which is only another .. let me see .. roughly maybe 1,500 seconds, this can be done. If I head off round the Network Rail building I’ll almost be finish. Oh shit, there’s that girl I used to work with. I hope she doesn’t see me. Shit! too late, maybe I’ll nod my head to acknowledge her. If she stops me now I’ll kill her. Fantastic, she’s heading into Burger King. Phew. Man, my legs are on fire.
Mile 6 – Yes! last mile, almost there, just another 10 minutes .. who am I trying to kid, make that 11 mins but if I keep it at 10 minute pace then that’s just 600 seconds but realistically it’s going to be 11 minutes which is 660 seconds or maybe 11 1/2 minutes which is x-y+(a+d-b) = @#%*$. Where the fuck is the end of this mile. Oh look just another 0.3 miles left, not far. Maybe to the end of this building and back. There is no way to the end of that building and back was 0.1 miles. No! Strava is broken. C’mon when the hell can I stop. ok under the under pass, and back round the roundabout. God Damn It I’ve done it! Quick stop strava .. what’s my password to unlock my phone… oh my god the clock is still ticking … what do you mean incorrect password you sack of shit.. nooooooooo! c’mon let me log into my phone. Phew there you go. Now what can I write to make people give me Kudos. Oh yeah that’ll do. That’s funny. I’m bound to get shed loads of kudos for that run.
Three days later and another 10k under your belt when you realise with total and utter horror …. “where’s my 0.2?”